Copyright © 1999 by Lawrence Letham.
All rights reserved. No part of this story may be reproduced in any form
without permission in writing from Lawrence Letham.

Tim Dinsley wanted to be a pirate. He had an eye patch, a nifty hat, a stuffed parrot and a wonderful plastic sword. He called himself Tim the Terrible. As a pirate, his main task was to run through house screaming the blood-curdling pirate yell - YO HIDILY HOOOO, but he also chased the dog with his sword and held his sister, Abigail, hostage for a ransom. It did not stop there! One day the cookie jar was mysteriously missing - probably taken for loot. Then the bed sheets disappeared from the house only to appear outside tied to the branches of trees like the sails of a ship. Tim never wanted to stop being a pirate, but sooner or later something had to change because Tim the Terrible had become a pest.

Everyone tried to ignore Tim until he shredded Mr. Dinsley morning newspaper.
"What?!" Mr. Dinsley cried. "My newspaper a treasure map? Had to be destroyed?!"
Mr. Dinsley adjusted his tie and looked straight at Mrs. Dinsley.
"This has got to stop!" he said.
That night, after work, Mr. Dinsley came home with a large package under his arm, immediately disappeared into his bedroom and would not come out. Dinner started without him. Then, just as Tim speared a potato with his sword, the sound of the blood-curdling pirate yell - YO HIDILY HOOOO - filled the house. Suddenly a pirate ran from the bedroom and leaped onto the table.
"I am Captain Magree" he hollered as he brandished his sword. "I challenge you, Tim the Terrible, to a duel to the death!"
Mrs. Dinsley got a tired look on her face, Abigail cheered and the dog ran to hide. Tim jumped to his feet just as Captain Magree's sword split his broccoli in two. The sword fight raged from the kitchen to the family room out the back door and into the yard. Swords clashed outside as the pirates swung wildly through the trees on ropes while bellowing the pirate yell YO HIDILY HOOOO. By nightfall, Tim had conquered the hammock and Captain Magree had to sleep on the roof of the house.

The morning sun had barely risen when Tim saw Captain Magree quietly creeping towards the hammock in a surprise attack! Tim flew from the hammock and grabbed his pirate paint gun. Pop! Splat! Pop! Pop! Splat! Splat! The Captain had a paint gun too, so the battle raged with pops and splats of paint balls through out the morning. A water fight followed the paint battle with another terrible sword duel after lunch. By dark, the Captain had the cookie jar, but Tim the Terrible still had the hammock, both paint guns and the Captain's imitation hook. The Captain spent another night on the roof.

The next morning, the Captain was too busy to fight. He drove his car into the backyard and started building his ship. Mrs. Dinsley rolled her eyes when the Captain took their bed out of the house and tied it to the top of the car. The Captain would not spend any more nights on the roof. The blankets from the bed, tied to the antenna, made perfect sails and a chair strapped to the hood looked just like a helm. Tim the Terrible, worried the Captain might attack the hammock from his ship, changed the tree house into a hideout and hijacked Abigail's Water Bomb Super Blaster water pistol for security. He also filled the tree house's secret compartment with water balloons. After lunch, Mrs. Dinsley invited the neighbors over for a swim and demanded the pirates join them and act civilized, so Captain Magree left his ship and Tim the Terrible his hideout to spent the afternoon glaring at each other across the pool. They kept the peace during dinner, but as soon as the neighbors were gone a sword fight broke out before bedtime. Tim had almost won the duel when suddenly the Captain jumped into his ship and locked the door.
"I'll get you in the morning Matey!" the Captain yelled to Tim as he climbed up the tree to his hideout.

Tim was still half-asleep when he heard a loud yell below and the roar of a mighty ship engine.
"RAMMING SPEEEEEED!!!" blared Captain Magree.
CRASH! The tree house shook back and forth wildly. Tim scrambled to his feet and looked out the window to see the Captain driving his ship directly towards Tim the Terrible's tree.
"FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!" the Captain yelled.
CRASH! The tree house shook wildly again. Tim reached into the secret compartment and threw a water balloon directly through the Captain's open window.
SPLAT!
"Ahhhhhh....!" screamed the Captain - a direct hit. Next water pistols blazed. By lunch, the Captain retreated to the hideout because Tim the Terrible had taken the ship, but unfortunately for Captain, it was out of gas.

A Captain could not be without a ship, so he shimmied down the tree while Tim as not looking and spent the afternoon building a raft in the pool. Abigail and the dog stared at the Captain's creation rising from the water. He used everything for the raft: the wooden fence, the kitchen table, Abigail's mattress and even the dog's bowl. Nothing was safe. The blankets and sheets were all gone, so the Captain stole the living room curtains for a sail. When Mrs. Dinsley tried to save them, Captain Magree tied her to a tree. From the hideout, Tim watched the Captain and made plans.
When the last knot was tied, Tim the Terrible ripped his sword from the scabbard and swung down from the hideout to the ship.
"This be my ship matey!" screeched Tim.
"Not so!" bellowed Captain Magree as he charged towards Tim. "Whoaaa" he yelled as he tripped over a board and flew right into the pool.
The clash of plastic swords rang late into the night. When the last charge was over, Tim the Terrible had the raft and Captain Magree's beard while the Captain spent a wet night on his old ship.

The morning brought no attack. In fact, Tim the Terrible did not see the Captain anywhere. He checked the Captain's ship, the hideout and even the house. He had to be hiding under the raft in the pool. Tim got his fins and mask, but could not find his snorkel. At last he spied it sticking out of a pile of sand in the sandbox. As Tim reached for the snorkel, the sand shook and wiggled and Captain Magree shot up from under it.
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh!" screamed Tim the Terrible.
The Captain chased Tim onto the raft where swords savagely crashed. Pirate yells filled the air - YO HIDILY HOOOO. The raft tossed up and down. Huge waves splashed from the pool until Captain Magree fell to the deck and lost his grip on his sword. Splunk! It slowly sank to the bottom of the pool. Tim the Terrible put his foot on top of his vanquished foe.

It was the end and they both knew it. Tim put his sword in its sheath.
"Dad?" he said.
"Yes Tim?"
"I don't think I want to be a pirate any more."
"Thank heavens, Son," Mr. Dinsley sighed.

The next day, Tim came to breakfast dressed as a cowboy.